On Keeping My Eyes Above the Waves

#FeelingUncertain

Life had been getting better. Time had provided distance and some healing from the sudden departure of the boys. We were settling into our new, more intentional, childless life. And then one night this week, a switch flipped, and I absolutely lost it. I can think of only two other times in my adult life in which I have been unable to stop crying: 1) When the boys left, and 2) In the deepest, darkest days of our infertility journey

God was gracious to me in my grief and gave me lines from a worship song rather than swearing prayers. As the lines were stuck on repeat, I finally listened to the full song. Caleb held me as I just listened and cried more. The lines were from Hillsong UNITED's song "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" and go like this:

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

After the rush of emotions, I felt much better. I still feel wounded by the past and uncertain about the future, but I know that God is good. My desire is to see His plan and say, "Oh, that's what you are doing, God." Instead, I am admitting that I have no idea what He is doing in our lives. 

Rather than keep trying to take control, I want my heart to cry out (or maybe agree joyfully without tears) with the song:

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

In this season of uncertainty, I started a playlist called....wait for it... #FeelingUncertain. Feel free to follow along.

{pretty, happy, funny, real} - Jumping into August

I cannot believe it is August already. In {pretty, happy, funny, real} style from Like Mother, Like Daughter, here's a little about the month so far.

{pretty}

We took a mini-vacation last weekend to Richmond, Virginia. My penchant for reading reviews online led us to interesting areas, one of which featured this unique wall. With boards across the windows and weeds taking over, the oddly shaped building was clearly not in use. We could not help wondering who took the time to create such a beautiful design and for what purpose. 

Building on Summit Avenue in Richmond, Virginia.

Building on Summit Avenue in Richmond, Virginia.

{happy}

In our effort to make fitness a hobby, we have started signing up for races. Our first 5k together was last weekend. I cannot say my performance was stellar, but the experience was a good start to our new racing routine. Next up, a four-miler in September.

5k finishers!

5k finishers!

{funny}

This morning, I took on a daunting task: giving the schnoodle a haircut. Dog grooming can take quite a chunk out of the budget, so I decided to try it myself. With a squirmy and energetic puppy like Louie, failure and catastrophe were very real potential outcomes. After more than an hour of trimming and treating, Louie the Lion-Tailed emerged. The picture does not do the tufted tail justice. Haha. The tuft happened accidentally, but was too entertaining to remove. Sorry, Louie. 

Louie the Lion-Tailed

Louie the Lion-Tailed

{real}

I said goodbye to prenatal vitamins this week. When you are in that phase of life where "prenatal" could be just around the corner, the appropriate vitamins are a good idea. Been there, done that, don't need to see the vitamins in my cupboard. Goodbye, extra infertility reminder. Hello, standard woman vitamins.

Prenatal Vitamins

Hello. My Name is Davy, and I Am a Bit of a Mess.

It has been a rough several weeks. Before infertility, I rarely cried. During infertility, "rare" would not be the appropriate word. Recently, "daily" would be more accurate. I'm kind of a mess at least once a day. Last night, I had reached my limit and told my husband I wanted to throw things. Don't worry, I didn't actually throw anything. I felt so angry and like I could just sob for a long time. Why? I can't quite put my finger on it. Part of it might be that it's another baby season, with baby news coming from every direction (I seriously need to step away from Facebook). Part of it might be selfishness, with my plans getting thwarted at every turn. Part of it might be recognizing that my passions do not have to be the same as my husband's, but we have to figure out how to proceed together. Part of it might be feeling so stuck in this suffocating in-between and not feeling ready to not have a next step. Much of it is failing to trust that God is good, and He is working everything out for our good and His glory. Yeah. All those things together make me a bit of a mess.

[In full disclosure, I'm not a mess ALL THE TIME. It's more of an underlying messiness that bubbles up daily. I can still hold a fairly normal conversation, I think. Actually, I have noticed a tendency to tell the twenty-minute version of our foster care experience with anyone who asks a semi-related question. Hmm. I'm still the same-old Davy, just with a more-frequently quivering lip.]

You may have heard the phrase "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I've been so blech lately that I haven't known what to say to the blogosphere. A friend told me she is waiting for the rest of the Childlessness: Take Two series, so I will get to that soon. 

In the meantime, I have been thinking of this graphic I made for the "Infertility Feels Like" post. 

It's way too clean and clear, so I fixed it up a bit.

Infertility Exits Messy - 1024 x 512.png

That's better. Infertility is not straightforward; it is not clean, next steps are not clear, and sometimes you are stopped in your tracks. The road is broken and bumpy, full of potholes, floods, and brokenness. People on that road are bound to be a bit of a mess. 

Hello. My name is Davy, and I am a bit of a mess.

A Glimpse into a Foster Child's Life

Foster care has been a common topic in our home lately. We feel fairly confident that training is our next step, but then what? Do we even want to try foster care again? If so, when would we be ready for another placement? What age range? How many children at a time? What would we do differently? While making decisions about how foster care fits into our family, we can unintentionally lose sight of the children. 

Today, I got another glimpse into the foster child experience through the videos below. Please watch and share, then join me in praying about how to help. 

Warning: you may want to have tissues handy.

No Bohns About It