Unrealistically Disappointed

I did it to myself. I got my hopes up unrealistically just in time to have them dashed. I should know better.

This morning, I woke up dizzy. Actually, it may have been the quick jump out of bed that made me dizzy. Either way, the dizziness stuck around. After about an hour, I made my first mistake: checking the internet to see if dizziness can be an early sign of pregnancy. Yes, it can.

I was already aware that my luteal phase is about 12 days. According to the smiley face on an ovulation predictor, today could have been day 14. My plan for the day included joining a gym and starting a new workout regimen. [Well, actually, just starting a workout regimen in general, not to be confused with replacing a previous one.] Logically, I wouldn't want to disrupt anything, so just HAD to take a pregnancy test first. I haven't let myself do that in the past year.

Even after multiple years of "no," I still dream of how to surprise C with pregnancy news. If he hasn't heard anything about cycle days, he will ask. Today could have been perfect. I could have taken the test in the morning and had all day to plan a surprise.

On the way to the store, all solid theology flew out of my head. I bargained with God, "If it's positive, you will get ALL the glory." I made guesses about His plan, "Good one. Way to postpone all of our tests the very month You choose to bless us with a child. I see what you did there. Clever!" Then, "I see why You had me start an infertility blog. So many more people will get to see you answer prayer this way. Great idea!" Then, I resorted to pleading, "Please, please, please, let it be yes."

By the time I got home, my confidence had been replaced by realism. I was almost prepared for a no. It was still disappointing, but I brushed it off and headed out to join the gym.

This afternoon, the no was officially confirmed. Just another day in the sea of TTC.