Convoluted Thoughts

Tomorrow was my deadline. I was supposed to have done the research and made a plan. Instead, the days filled up and disappeared. I knew everyone back home would want an update as much as I wanted to have one. Well, here's the update:


We still do not have children (surprising, right?). We are still planning to adopt through the foster care system... 

And that's as far as we have gotten. I have been connecting with others who have walked this process before, so I guess that is a step in the right direction. I hear that there will be a lot of forms to fill out, but haven't seen any of them yet. I hear there are classes starting in January. We think we know which county to begin with. According to the website, the next step is contacting a specific person. And that is where we got stuck. You see, both of us have been working full time. During business hours, we are at work. Lately, work has been crazy busy and exhausting for both of us, so our mental energy is spent by the end of the day. Phone calls and paperwork are forgotten. And so, the weeks and months have passed until here comes Christmas. 

It's fine, really. The gaping hole of childlessness has not been as obvious to us lately. For a season, our childlessness seemed to be in our face all day every day. Infertility was our main "thing." Now, we have good jobs, our own house, and a puppy. In addition, we are getting plugged in at our church, which means activities and new friendships. We had focused in so much on the (good) thing that was missing that we had lost sight of all the other aspects of life. This zooming out feels good.

And yet, it's Christmas again. Christmas is a marker, like passing GO on another year. By the time you get back around the board, you expect to have made progress. We made progress in some ways, but failed in the kid category. Not just failed to have kids, but failed to even have a plan. 

On the Christmas trip we are about to embark on, we plan to see at least eight family members/friends who didn't exist at the beginning of our infertility journey. Some of the pain has lessened, but the sheer number of years and children is still shocking. 

I'm sorry. This post seems depressing. I am really not depressed or even feeling down. This season just makes me think. So, welcome to my convoluted thoughts.

If you want a little more insight into Christmas and infertility, check out this post. She describes the season so well. This year is our fourth "Last Christmas," by the way. 

Have a very Merry Christmas! May we lose sight of ourselves in light of the Gift this season is actually about.