Do you ever just want to harrumph at life?
I do. I thought (naively) that this foster care experience would bring everything full circle for us. You know? We have prayed for children for so long. Most recently, we had prayed that God would just drop a situation in our lap. He certainly did that, but it is not what we expected. Rather than having a "we've arrived" or "this is our calling" moment, we are reconsidering everything we thought we wanted. We are tired. Life is HARD right now. Pardon me while I harrumph. Harrumph!
My sister had a baby last weekend. My new niece is precious and adorable. She was grown with love and prenatal vitamins and is a perfect combination of my sister and her husband. Bringing home a child who has been tragically severed from his or her natural family is not the same. Obviously.
I have said paper "pregnancy" seems to fit me better than a physical pregnancy. It's still true. Yet, looking ahead to family Christmases, I'm not as sure. My sisters will have their little mini-me's running around. We may or may not have children who may or may not be in our lives by the next month, let alone the next Christmas. Sameness isn't great, so I don't want to seek that. Novelty (which our current situation has been) is exciting for a while, then just exhausting. Where we expected to find clarity, we have found confusion. After this situation, we have no idea what will be next. Do we still want to do foster care? Do we want to adopt through the foster care system? Do we want to try infertility treatments again? Or [gasp] will we plan to be childless? Right now, we have no idea. Harrumph.
I'm sure misplaced priorities are mixed into the desire to harrumph at life. Rather than finding satisfaction in Christ and seeing the events of life as gifts from His hand, I am looking for satisfaction in family and even ease. Yet, I still want to harrumph. After the long years of struggle, doesn't God at least owe us an easy foster care situation? Does He have to keep tossing hardships our way? In the last few weeks, we have been hit by one thing after another. First, we encountered parenting issues we were not prepared for. Then, my husband's grandmother received news that cancer will likely take her life very soon. Colds, vomiting, and now strep have swept through our home. Enough is enough! Harrumph!
God is good. We believe that He sovereignly ordained for these boys to be in our home. The many struggles are sprinkled with joys and laughter. Most of the time, the happy moments make the struggles feel worthwhile. Sometimes, I just want to harrumph.
This post is linked up with the Adoption Talk Link Up and the Foster Care Blog Hop.