Last week was a doozy. Swearing has never been a habit of mine; however, I found myself in the back yard playing with our hyper puppy with tears streaming down my face and a lot of "What the %$!, God?" running through my prayers. Why? Why? Why?!?
Why, God? Why do You give babies to newlyweds who aren't ready but withhold them from couples who have been pleading with You for years?
Why, God? Why? Why do You create life over and over in women who don't want more kids? To women who aren't good to the ones they have? To women who abuse their bodies? Me and my infertile friends are wondering if we should change our shampoo to make our bodies a little more hospitable to life, and You do THAT? WHY?!?!?
Why, God? When a couple has accepted infertility and embraced adoption, why do You throw extra challenges their way? Are the extra hoops and administrative delays really necessary?
Why, God? When a couple moves from infertility toward adoption and then foster care, is it really necessary to give them an extra-difficult case? Why wouldn't You ease them in slowly? Why?!
I obviously do not have answers to these questions. All I know is that God gets to decide. He's got a plan that is way more interesting than mine would have been, that's for sure. That plan is also significantly harder and more painful than I would like. Maybe that's the point. We cannot survive this season without God's intervention. We need His strength to get up and start each day. We need His love and joy to flow in and through us, because our human tanks are pretty empty right now. We need supernatural patience and wisdom.
I have regretted that infertility did not teach me to rely fully on the Lord. Well, this situation ought to finish the job. Nobody, not even my husband, has seen the behaviors I have seen. Nobody knows exactly what happens in our home. Nobody can understand the complexity of emotions this unique situation ignites within me. Nobody, that is, except God. He's the only one who sees it all and, frustratingly enough, planned every moment.
Many of you are praying for us. Thank you! Please pray that we would indeed learn to rely on God alone, not on the praise from others that we are doing such a good thing, that the boys are so blessed, or that most people couldn't handle it. No amount of praise could get us through the many intense moments. Supernatural patience and wisdom are what we need. And joy.