An Infertile Foster Mom's Thoughts this Mother's Day

Hello. It's me. An infertile foster mom.

Early in marriage, Mother's Day was a sweet day of anticipation, a day of "not yet, but soon." Then, Mother's Day became a day of sadness and heartache, a day of "not yet, and maybe never." This year is different.

Motherhood is supposed to be forever. For me, it’s temporary.
— Davy Jolene

Strangely, I "qualify" as a mother this year. I have received Mother's Day gifts made at daycare by two boys that didn't know me a few months ago. I have entered a phase that few people expect to exit. Motherhood is supposed to be forever. For me, it's temporary. This Mother's Day might be the only one I ever "qualify" for. Next year at this time, I will probably be that childless woman in the pew at church again. How will that feel, I wonder? Will I be grateful to have loved and lost? Will I be relieved that we gave parenthood a trial run before deciding it wasn't for us? Will I be grieving? Hopeful? Determined? I cannot even guess.

This year, my feelings are also complex. I don't exactly feel like a mother. Sure, I wipe noses, make meals, choose outfits, and have car seats in my car, but the title "mother" doesn't quite fit. My kids call me "Davy" or, if I'm lucky, "Mama Davy." When upset, they cry for Mommy, and it's not me. And rightly so. Rather than "mother," maybe I could more accurately be described as a nanny that happens to be on duty all the time. Is there a day for those? 

I am not sharing these thoughts for pity or to discourage people from wishing me a happy Mother's Day (I do qualify this year, after all). This blog exists partly to provide insight for people who have not walked through infertility, foster care, or whatever other odd experience I travel through. In addition, the blog is to encourage my fellow travelers. However, one huge purpose is to help me to process my thoughts. Mother's Day is bringing on a lot of thoughts, hence this post. :)

Thanks for reading, and Happy Mother's Day!

P.S. For those of you who would like to read more, check out these posts: