It has been a rough several weeks. Before infertility, I rarely cried. During infertility, "rare" would not be the appropriate word. Recently, "daily" would be more accurate. I'm kind of a mess at least once a day. Last night, I had reached my limit and told my husband I wanted to throw things. Don't worry, I didn't actually throw anything. I felt so angry and like I could just sob for a long time. Why? I can't quite put my finger on it. Part of it might be that it's another baby season, with baby news coming from every direction (I seriously need to step away from Facebook). Part of it might be selfishness, with my plans getting thwarted at every turn. Part of it might be recognizing that my passions do not have to be the same as my husband's, but we have to figure out how to proceed together. Part of it might be feeling so stuck in this suffocating in-between and not feeling ready to not have a next step. Much of it is failing to trust that God is good, and He is working everything out for our good and His glory. Yeah. All those things together make me a bit of a mess.
[In full disclosure, I'm not a mess ALL THE TIME. It's more of an underlying messiness that bubbles up daily. I can still hold a fairly normal conversation, I think. Actually, I have noticed a tendency to tell the twenty-minute version of our foster care experience with anyone who asks a semi-related question. Hmm. I'm still the same-old Davy, just with a more-frequently quivering lip.]
You may have heard the phrase "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I've been so blech lately that I haven't known what to say to the blogosphere. A friend told me she is waiting for the rest of the Childlessness: Take Two series, so I will get to that soon.
In the meantime, I have been thinking of this graphic I made for the "Infertility Feels Like" post.
It's way too clean and clear, so I fixed it up a bit.
That's better. Infertility is not straightforward; it is not clean, next steps are not clear, and sometimes you are stopped in your tracks. The road is broken and bumpy, full of potholes, floods, and brokenness. People on that road are bound to be a bit of a mess.
Hello. My name is Davy, and I am a bit of a mess.