Life had been getting better. Time had provided distance and some healing from the sudden departure of the boys. We were settling into our new, more intentional, childless life. And then one night this week, a switch flipped, and I absolutely lost it. I can think of only two other times in my adult life in which I have been unable to stop crying: 1) When the boys left, and 2) In the deepest, darkest days of our infertility journey.
God was gracious to me in my grief and gave me lines from a worship song rather than swearing prayers. As the lines were stuck on repeat, I finally listened to the full song. Caleb held me as I just listened and cried more. The lines were from Hillsong UNITED's song "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)" and go like this:
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
After the rush of emotions, I felt much better. I still feel wounded by the past and uncertain about the future, but I know that God is good. My desire is to see His plan and say, "Oh, that's what you are doing, God." Instead, I am admitting that I have no idea what He is doing in our lives.
Rather than keep trying to take control, I want my heart to cry out (or maybe agree joyfully without tears) with the song:
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
In this season of uncertainty, I started a playlist called....wait for it... #FeelingUncertain. Feel free to follow along.