Inside the Tears

Infertility has messed me up in ways I don't even understand. Here's a glimpse into a struggle with myself:

Davy, why are you crying?
Because the tears are below the surface much of the time and sometimes they just spill over.

Don't you know that God is good?
Yes, He is. But I don't know what to do with that truth when it hurts. 

Are you believing that Jesus + Nothing = Everything, or have you decided that Jesus + Children = Everything?
If I had to choose between Christ and children, I would choose Christ. However, I feel confident that He has children for us. 

Seriously, why are you still crying?
I don't even know anymore. Maybe because people around me are having kids. People who didn't even know each other when we got married have kids now. People who got married after we started trying to conceive have two-year-olds and new babies. 

Would you want different for them?
No. I would not want anyone to go through pain like ours. Somehow, it still hurts.

It sounds like you are dealing with sins such as envy and selfishness.
Am I? I'm having a hard time distinguishing between godly sorrow and sin.

You should just trust in God's promises.
Okay, like this one from Psalm 128?
Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways!You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.
Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house;your children will be like olive shoots around your table.Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord.
That one sure comes up a lot, but it doesn't seem to apply to us. Instead, it feels like salt in an open wound. Are we not part of "everyone"? Do we not fear the Lord enough?

Don't get caught up on that. The Bible includes several stories about barren women, and their barrenness is not due to lack of faith. Rather, it is for God's unique purposes.
Right. [Deep breaths]. 

I don't want to guess God's purposes, but have definitely thought about our future child(ren). We would probably not commit so much time and money into the infant adoption process if we had been able to conceive.
Sure, but we are just wasting time. The years are slipping by. 

The time is not wasted. If God has a specific child out there for us (and we believe He does), He needs to work every detail out accordingly. That child has a specific birthday, and every step of your process, from infertility to home study to approval to waiting, is pointing toward that day. You cannot go too fast or too slow. God has everything under control and is working out His perfect plan.
I know. I do trust Him, and I really look forward to seeing the plan unfold. But our arms are so empty. Our house is SO quiet. We feel so alone. 

You aren't.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.




This post is linked up with Titus 2sDay and the Infertility Link-Up